He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
