u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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