So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
