I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
