Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
