I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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