so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
