I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
