Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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