Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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