I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
