I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
