so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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