She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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