You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
