I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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