The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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