I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize