i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
