I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
