Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
