All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
