Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
