Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
