I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
