my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
