apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
