Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
