my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
