I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize