for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
