It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
