Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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