i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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