So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
