cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
