New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
