This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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