mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
