You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
