yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
