Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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