singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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