I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
