Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
this will be a night to untag.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
