just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
