I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
