My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
