I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
