I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
