You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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