she woke up with a sticky ear
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
