Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sober January is a disaster.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
