2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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