I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
