i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
